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While on holiday, at seven weeks pregnant, I started spotting. At nine weeks when I got back home, I went for a scan that to our surprise and horror, showed an empty pregnancy sac that measured 6 weeks, but I knew I was definitely nine weeks, and was told it was probably a blighted ovum (where baby is formed but doesn’t grow properly).
A week later I miscarried at home, and later that day went for a d&c as I was losing too much blood. It was the most heartbreaking, scary experience ever, and the weeks that followed were the most depressing, empty & lonely weeks of my life.
I wish I had been told a few things in the weeks of & after I had my miscarriage:
- That grief is a process – a long, healing one, not something to be ‘gotten over’ quickly.
- That many people I knew, including family, had had a miscarriage, and that I wasn’t alone, even though I felt I was!
- That whatever I was feeling, was okay and normal
- That it would be messy, painful and heartbreaking beyond imagination! 🙁
- That I’d need to talk more about it, with friends/family to ease the loneliness and depression I felt every hour of every day!
- That however long I took to grieve and heal and be just plain depressed and miserable was okay; that it was my time and however long that was, was fine!
- That in three years time I’d be on another planet of happiness – that time does heal and the heartbreak does ease!
- I wish that friends/family had visited/called more; it would have made me feel more validated in everything I was feeling. That said, you can’t change how people respond to a miscarriage (perhaps they felt too awkward to call/visit), so on hindsight I think asking for specifics and making the first contact would have been the best thing to do..
- That some people just DONT know how to respond to you – they say the worst things, come across as insensitive; I wish I’d known to not take what they said to heart (easier said than done)
- Lastly, that being a stay at home mom with a young baby, after a miscarriage, was waay too much time alone to mull over every emotion, every hour of every day. I wish I had known how unhealthy that would be for me mentally; I would have stayed at my mom for a week or two, or had a friend over every second day, etc. just to get myself out of my head! Being alone at home every day was a slippery slide to depression!
If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, or know of a friend who has, I hope it helps to know that you’re not alone, that you’re validated in feeling everything that you’re feeling, and that time does heal. Xx
Recommended read: Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for Grieving Mothers
Carly says
I can’t thank you enough for writing this. I lost my baby two days ago I was at 7 weeks I hadn’t even had my first ultrasound. I’m not a person to let people in and I just keep telling everyone I’m ok even though I’m not. Reading this was a good reminder that I need to not shut everyone out because it won’t help also that it’s ok to be hurt and upset. I’ve been trying to hide my feelings but that won’t actually make it ok.
Alexa says
Yes, all of these sentiments are exactly RIGHT. The one thing I would add to the list is that you don’t realize until you’ve been through a loss that even those lost early in pregnancy leave a very large impact on the spirit. So sorry Nicolette! hugs!
Alexa says
Sorry, I just realized that was written by Heidi! So sorry Heidi!!
Louise says
I just found your website from bloggers.com
I wish I had read this post last week, when we were told for the second time in as many weeks that we had lost our baby. We never even knew how far along we were. Staying at home by myself has definitely not been the best thing in the world for me to do, neither has searching for things on Google. I would alternatively Google the worst that could happen and then Google the best and give myself a false hope that after two weeks of bleeding, and nothing being seen on an ultrasound that of course we would still be pregnant. 🙁
Thank you for this post.
Heidi de Jesus Ferreira says
I’m so sorry for your loss Louise. It is heartbreaking! Google def doesn’t help either 🙁 There is a great group on baby centre UK called Coping with a Miscarriage which I found awesome.. It’s nice to know you’re not alone. Hugs! X
Victoria from the Busy House Big Heart says
I miscarried a year after I was told I couldn’t have babies without treatments. I felt like it was body mocking my inability to have children. I felt broken and empty. I am glad that I didn’t know I was pregnant.
It made me hesitant to fully enjoy my pregnancy (treatment free) with my son Alexander. Miscarriage is common, and I am glad more people are able to talk about it. It definitely helps the healing process when you know you are not alone, and it wasn’t anything you DID.
Heidi de Jesus Ferreira says
Thanks Victoria, you are right, it definitely helps to talk about it! So v happy for you that you had a son! I think it helps knowing other women out there have been through it too, that you’re not alone..
Nikki says
It’s true, many women have miscarried. Even so, it is such an awful thing to go through. 🙁
Nikki
rushedmommy.com
Heidi de Jesus Ferreira says
You’re right Nikki, definitely is an awful experience! X